Things I Will Do If I Am Ever The Vampire

Sci-fi/fantasy and other fan groups sometimes compile the most wonderful lists, based on their shared enthusiasms, shared sense of humour and awareness of the (often beloved) clichés of their genres.

Things I Will Do If I Am Ever The Vampire has some absolute classics (given that we seem to be going thorough a phase of vampire fiction at present - not just Twilight, as blogged earlier, but also a bunch of other titles too are finding friends).

Here are a couple of examples from the vampire list linked above:

• The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and a stake. I will come armed with a 5.56 mm assault rifle and grenades. If the Hero has to cross open ground, there is no better way to reach out and touch someone than with a sniper rifle.
• I will not engage in a battle of wits with the Hero. I plan on killing him anyway so what's the point?
• I will not use bug-eating morons as servants. Pretty females dressed in little French maid outfits are more visually appealing and can also distract the Hero.

Apart from just being amusing (I have this one on my office door at present, it's always handy to have some engaging something or other there to occupy those waiting when the line of can-you-help-me-Miss? people gets long) lists like this can also be useful for English, studying clichés etc. and giving a format for students to decide on their own category to analyse/eviscerate/enjoy deconstructing.

Note: the list on the page linked above features US spelling, but also some misspellings (whether you're using US or Australian/UK English).